Visual Journal: Things On My Mind Lately

I had a mini freak out tonight. It was one of those ones where I'm pittering along through my life just fine when all the sudden I question my existence, goals, dreams, character, and pretty much EVERY thing else. I usually start shaking and BADLY desire human contact. But the RIGHT human. Who that human is on a particular day changes, but often its a long term friend I feel comfortable being in any mood with who I probably haven't seen in a while.

My response tonight instead of finding this friend...since it was late, I didn't feel intruding upon a friend at 11:30 pm would be kind, and few ideas seemed to settle into a good idea, was to stay up an additional five hours scrapbooking. My scrapbooking is a little rudamentary, crude even, but it gets some pics in a book where I can appreciate them. I have grandiose ideas that once they're all together in some sort of organized, finished form, the eclectic method I used to create the collection will be charming. Only time will tell. It's entirely possible my caveman-personal-picture-history will just read as tacky, but I'm fairly far away from knowing. It won't be some time until my entire life of photographs is mapped out cohesively. I digress.

But as I came down from my existentialist trip, a lot of the questions which always plague me in my convulsion-riddled highs still lingered. In a more manageable form after the most chaotic stage of the episodes, but regardless...lingering. I imagine I'm the type of person (as in human) that will always have questions. It seems like both a blessing and a curse that I'll be 80 still living with dreams and constantly questioning if I'm on the right path. On one hand I wouldn't necessarily choose to be any other way. I ponder the existence of a human who wonders something, finds a logical answer, accepts it, and never questions that knowledge again. It seems to have its own sort of novelty, but frankly would never truly suit me. I'm far too precarious and precocious for that sort of thing I think. Not that I mean to flatter or self-deprecate my...self.

So now, I lay awake pondering the topics I so long have and for so long will, but I find some comfort in expressing that this uncertainty exists. By the tone of my post as I skim back through it probably seems religious in nature to many of you. While this is part of it, suffice it to say that there is so much more than just that. For effectiveness I think it best I table some topics and start my analysis through them one by one. I think I'll continue to post about certain aspects of these questions and your thoughts will be appreciated through the process. Until then, thank you and good night.

Memoirs of a Food Network Addict: Confession 2

Today's Topic: The NEXT Food Network Star

All right. Normally I don't like to send such negativity into the universe as talking about things I HATE, but this season's got me GOING. They have upped the stakes in drama and "reality TVness" of it all, and I'll admit I'm buying it! So here's my take on Season 7 of the future of my favorite network.

GET RID OF 'EM!:

This is Alicia. She's from Missourri, but she has the most bizarre voice I've ever seen/heard. I say seen because look at that mouth. She holds tons of tension in her jaw and she uses her lips in the MOST bizarre way. I hate it. She's also crying and blubbering all the time which is my FAVORITE thing in a professional setting. Get it together, homegirl. FINALLY she was cut...I was so over her lasting as long as she did.



And HERE we have Chris. I do not know what is wrong with homeboy, but he is like a fake-gangster frat boy meathead that does NOT know what he's doing when it comes to cooking. They continuously say his food is gross and he is always doing stupid things! He makes himself look like an idiot. Can't wait 'til he's gone. It won't be long.



ON THE FENCE ABOUT 'EM:

Now there's one contestant I THINK I don't like, but sometimes I REALLY like. Her name is Penny. She cooks Middle Eastern and while they always say her food is great, she has got some competition issues. But at the same time, haha, she is REALLY entertaining to watch as she openly strategizes viciously and tries to knock people out. She's a freaking cobra. So while I probably wouldn't watch her ON the Food Network (making her a bad choice to win), for the purposes of the show of The Next Food Network Star...I'm entertained.



LOVE 'EM:

And then there's Jeff. *Happy sigh This guy is a big, funny, happy-go-lucky Italian-American that is pushing a concept of every food he makes a sandwich. A) We know how I feel about adorable ESTPs. B) SANDWICHES for everything?! It's AWESOME! But not only is he really likeable, they seem to like his food again and again, so I trust that he knows what he's doing. Mini crush!



So...Jeff is probably my favorite of anybody. But I really like this guy too. Justin is a sweet, dorky, nice guy that also makes really good food. He wears funny little bowties and makes whimsical food...kind of if Alton Brown and James Popin had a baby. He's not really a mini-crush for me like Jeff is, but is definitely a guy I would be friends with. Ha he's like a lot of my friends actually. I like that.



PROBABLE WINNER:

My money though is on Orchid winning. I'm actually not crazy about her...I think she's adorable and cute and there really is nothing to DISlike about her, I just feel like I've seen this chef before. "Bubbly chubby girl that makes unique food"...wait, Aarti?! Is that YOU? haha I have no qualms with this probable winner, but I just LOVE me some Jeff and Justin.

Memoirs of a Food Network Addict: Confession 1

So...I have a huge crush on this man. Olive green velvet blazer? Mmmm.
"Within simplicity lies inherent elegance." -SCOTT CONANT
He's always saying crap like that. About FOOD nontheless. This is why I love him. :)
http://www.foodnetwork.com/scott-conant/bio/index.html
Okay...so MAYBE he's married with a beautiful daughter or something. So nobody's perfect.

Let Us Live and Love by Gaius Valerius Catullus

My sweetest Lesbia, let us live and love;
And though the sager sort our deeds reprove,
Let us not weigh them. Heaven's great lamps of five
Into their west, and straight again revive;
But, soon as once set is our little light,
Then must we sleep one ever-during night.

If all would lead their lives in love like me,
Then bloody swords and armor should not be;
No drum nor trumpet peaceful sleeps should move,
Unless alarm came from camp of love.
But fools do live and waster their little light,
And seek with pain their ever-during night.

When timely death my life and fortune ends,
Let not my hearse be vexed with mourning friends;
But let all lovers rich in triumph come,
And with sweet pastime grace my happy tomb.
And, Lesbia, close up thou my little light,
And crown with love by ever-during night.

Things That Inspire Me.

Okay. I'm going to indulge something I don't think I EVER have. Never, ever was I one of those little girls who looked through magazines at wedding dresses or dreamt up any ideas about what her day would be like. To be honest I never even really thought too much about what the guy would be like, much less the day itself. I never picked out kids' names and I CERTAINLY had no idea what my wedding ring would look like. And it's not that I'm so altered that I feel I'm even ready for marriage. I am in no way desperate or "waiting for the right guy to come along" or anything like that...I definitely still feel I have a lot to do and want to be before I commit myself to someone forever. I admit I'm a teensy bit of a feminist (at least comparable to many Mormon women) when it comes to this and I want to be married when it is the right time to be married. For me it feels like I still have some time. And I also have a feeling I'm not going to find my guy in Utah. I just have a feeling. However, I am a little more OPEN to the concept of it. And with a lot of friends, people very close and important to me, being married or getting married, it's got me thinking about things. So...this is just a little wish list. A little treasure trove of ideas that could be, if you will.

For the sake of it

Is a concept, an ideal, or any form of intangible being in need of contribution? In need of a voice, a vote, a presence within the world simply for the "sake" of it? Should I practice my handwriting for the "sake" of calligraphy or the art of ink to paper? Is it appropriate that I pay for every movie I watch for the "cause" of cinema? Does the impalpable need human beings to contribute to their being for the "interest" of them? Now this dialogue has links to many other arenas outside of the arts, although that is where the root of these thoughts come from...What qualifies something as being a "worthy cause?" Let me hear your thoughts on this...

I figured it out.
The key that will unlock the unhappiness I've been feeling and release the person I always feel that I am but never seem to quite hold on to.
I want music.
And color.
And food and art.
And food as art and artful food.
And words. Ooooohhh words.
I miss them.
I miss the sky.
And the trees.
I've stopped taking time to do the things that nourish my spirit, that fulfill me. And all that is ending today. The not-doing will now be done. I must simply make it be worth making time for. Because without these things, I'll go crazy.
So...joy. :) I find peace in enjoying the world and I should value that I see through eyes different than anyone else.
There's no law which says I must be this or I have to say that.
I can appreciate the world in whatever way I see fit.
And Heavenly Father loves me for that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEMdN_4GAs4&feature=fvw

This is totally what Oklahoma is all about. Dave's brilliant mind has made Jud a Native American. And Aunt Eller an African-American. It's soooo good. You'll have to see it for it to make sense. :) But therefore, I've been doing lots of research on Native Americans. Now I wish I was one. I have a whole new appreciation, respect, and admiration. I need a Native American friend. ha :P

I want it. Soooo much.

I got a new back drop! LOOK!!! YEEEEHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

AND... A new playlist--to your right, to your right! YEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My obsession with House--is pretty intense.

I just wrote this for study abroad papers. It turned out to be fairly poignant for my life right now. The Adriana and Luciana I'm referring to are the ones from The Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare.

I speak as a woman finding herself in the 21^st century that the dichotomy we see between the characters of Luciana and Adriana is the quintessential commentary on the dichotomy of what the woman of the new millennium faces within herself. As trivial as the comparison may seem, I am drawn to relate to the hit TV series Sex and the City. Each female character represents a different aspect of what it means to be a woman in a world full of modernism and tradition. That particular series I believe has drawn such appeal because every female can relate to one or many of the characters—and every female is faced with the decision as to which character they are . . . am I a Charlotte? Do I long for the life of a traditional mommy with the white picket fence? Does Samantha’s path appeal to my own? Is being a creature who owns their sexuality in an empowered and cutting edge form of feminism the life I would love? We see the same questions raised with the characters of Luciana and Adriana in Comedy of Errors.

In Luciana, there is a sense of piety and observance of all that is tradition. The man is the head of the family and deserves the respect which that title commands. Motherhood is the ultimate calling. Now I observe these aspects of Luciana not with disdain but with great appreciation and respect. Feminism as it has been presented the past 40-50 years has meant, by societal understanding, denying that which women have been called to do—to be a wife and mother. I would feign to argue that owning that calling and honoring it requires just as much, if not more, bravery and “feminism” in a modern world. If feminism is a celebration of all that is feminine, then by what logic does denying that which women are naturally inclined toward equate being a “feminist?”

Yet, in the same token, we are faced with Adriana. In my belief, true feminism is sincere love for all that which women can be; and that means celebrating a woman’s right to be that whichever feels natural to her. For some, that means being a Luciana—and for others, that means being an Adriana. Adriana pokes fun at marriage and men. She revels in rebellion and vulgarity. Just as I have admiration for all that Luciana represents, I feel the same for Adriana. Her perspective and bravery is refreshing. Her boldness is a rarity; and her strength is a gift for the world.

So, whether one is an Adriana or Luciana, I believe the point Shakespeare is making with presenting us with both characters is that women should be celebrated and admired in all their forms and personalities. It is a credit to Shakespeare’s open-mindedness that he recognized this and made commentaries on it in his works. It is a decision a face right along with Adriana and Luciana as to which I am . . . a Carrie or a Miranda, a Luciana or Adriana, a Charlotte or a Samantha.

To feel like home:
1. Comfy blankets are a must.
2. There is no judgement, despite how many quesadillas a day are eaten.
3. One may be without beguile, and others can come without restraint.
4. Love changes everything . . . in the nicest way.
5. Color is embraced.
6. Vintage is revered.
7. All music flows without hatred or disrespect.
8. Rules exist to nourish life, not stifle it.
9. Words are said with truth and assertion, but in kindness and appreciation.
10. Men may be men, and women may be women. Anything in between . . . may find its path here.
11. Art is encouraged.
12. Messes are a part of life--to be enjoyed for as long as they last.
13. And when it is time for the messes to go, they go in peace, with gratitude they were here.
14. Television is optional, but not necessary. And channels are not a worthy source of contention.
15. Movies and their stars are loved.
16. Walls are for art. Van Gogh oils and baby girl finger paints alike.
17. Kitchens are for stories to be shared, warmth to be born, and delicious meals to be made.
18. There is always more space at the dining room table.
19. Health is no option.
20. Bodies are used in strength and power, loving all God gave us.
21. Stories are written and read, for learning and for joy.
22. The thirst for knowledge is unquenchable.
23. All things can and should be touched.
24. The joy of scent is never underrated.
25. No one is limited. Whatever evokes goodness to be shared will be cultivated here.

I wish beauty came in a bigger box.