I had a mini freak out tonight. It was one of those ones where I'm pittering along through my life just fine when all the sudden I question my existence, goals, dreams, character, and pretty much EVERY thing else. I usually start shaking and BADLY desire human contact. But the RIGHT human. Who that human is on a particular day changes, but often its a long term friend I feel comfortable being in any mood with who I probably haven't seen in a while.

My response tonight instead of finding this friend...since it was late, I didn't feel intruding upon a friend at 11:30 pm would be kind, and few ideas seemed to settle into a good idea, was to stay up an additional five hours scrapbooking. My scrapbooking is a little rudamentary, crude even, but it gets some pics in a book where I can appreciate them. I have grandiose ideas that once they're all together in some sort of organized, finished form, the eclectic method I used to create the collection will be charming. Only time will tell. It's entirely possible my caveman-personal-picture-history will just read as tacky, but I'm fairly far away from knowing. It won't be some time until my entire life of photographs is mapped out cohesively. I digress.

But as I came down from my existentialist trip, a lot of the questions which always plague me in my convulsion-riddled highs still lingered. In a more manageable form after the most chaotic stage of the episodes, but regardless...lingering. I imagine I'm the type of person (as in human) that will always have questions. It seems like both a blessing and a curse that I'll be 80 still living with dreams and constantly questioning if I'm on the right path. On one hand I wouldn't necessarily choose to be any other way. I ponder the existence of a human who wonders something, finds a logical answer, accepts it, and never questions that knowledge again. It seems to have its own sort of novelty, but frankly would never truly suit me. I'm far too precarious and precocious for that sort of thing I think. Not that I mean to flatter or self-deprecate my...self.

So now, I lay awake pondering the topics I so long have and for so long will, but I find some comfort in expressing that this uncertainty exists. By the tone of my post as I skim back through it probably seems religious in nature to many of you. While this is part of it, suffice it to say that there is so much more than just that. For effectiveness I think it best I table some topics and start my analysis through them one by one. I think I'll continue to post about certain aspects of these questions and your thoughts will be appreciated through the process. Until then, thank you and good night.