I figured it out.
The key that will unlock the unhappiness I've been feeling and release the person I always feel that I am but never seem to quite hold on to.
I want music.
And color.
And food and art.
And food as art and artful food.
And words. Ooooohhh words.
I miss them.
I miss the sky.
And the trees.
I've stopped taking time to do the things that nourish my spirit, that fulfill me. And all that is ending today. The not-doing will now be done. I must simply make it be worth making time for. Because without these things, I'll go crazy.
So...joy. :) I find peace in enjoying the world and I should value that I see through eyes different than anyone else.
There's no law which says I must be this or I have to say that.
I can appreciate the world in whatever way I see fit.
And Heavenly Father loves me for that.

This is totally what Oklahoma is all about. Dave's brilliant mind has made Jud a Native American. And Aunt Eller an African-American. It's soooo good. You'll have to see it for it to make sense. :) But therefore, I've been doing lots of research on Native Americans. Now I wish I was one. I have a whole new appreciation, respect, and admiration. I need a Native American friend. ha :P

I want it. Soooo much.
I got a new back drop! LOOK!!! YEEEEHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

AND... A new playlist--to your right, to your right! YEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My obsession with House--is pretty intense.

I just wrote this for study abroad papers. It turned out to be fairly poignant for my life right now. The Adriana and Luciana I'm referring to are the ones from The Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare.

I speak as a woman finding herself in the 21st century that the dichotomy we see between the characters of Luciana and Adriana is the quintessential commentary on the dichotomy of what the woman of the new millennium faces within herself. As trivial as the comparison may seem, I am drawn to relate to the hit TV series Sex and the City. Each female character represents a different aspect of what it means to be a woman in a world full of modernism and tradition. That particular series I believe has drawn such appeal because every female can relate to one or many of the characters—and every female is faced with the decision as to which character they are . . . am I a Charlotte? Do I long for the life of a traditional mommy with the white picket fence? Does Samantha’s path appeal to my own? Is being a creature who owns their sexuality in an empowered and cutting edge form of feminism the life I would love? We see the same questions raised with the characters of Luciana and Adriana in Comedy of Errors.

In Luciana, there is a sense of piety and observance of all that is tradition. The man is the head of the family and deserves the respect which that title commands. Motherhood is the ultimate calling. Now I observe these aspects of Luciana not with disdain but with great appreciation and respect. Feminism as it has been presented the past 40-50 years has meant, by societal understanding, denying that which women have been called to do—to be a wife and mother. I would feign to argue that owning that calling and honoring it requires just as much, if not more, bravery and “feminism” in a modern world. If feminism is a celebration of all that is feminine, then by what logic does denying that which women are naturally inclined toward equate being a “feminist?”

Yet, in the same token, we are faced with Adriana. In my belief, true feminism is sincere love for all that which women can be; and that means celebrating a woman’s right to be that whichever feels natural to her. For some, that means being a Luciana—and for others, that means being an Adriana. Adriana pokes fun at marriage and men. She revels in rebellion and vulgarity. Just as I have admiration for all that Luciana represents, I feel the same for Adriana. Her perspective and bravery is refreshing. Her boldness is a rarity; and her strength is a gift for the world.

So, whether one is an Adriana or Luciana, I believe the point Shakespeare is making with presenting us with both characters is that women should be celebrated and admired in all their forms and personalities. It is a credit to Shakespeare’s open-mindedness that he recognized this and made commentaries on it in his works. It is a decision a face right along with Adriana and Luciana as to which I am . . . a Carrie or a Miranda, a Luciana or Adriana, a Charlotte or a Samantha.

To feel like home:
1. Comfy blankets are a must.
2. There is no judgement, despite how many quesadillas a day are eaten.
3. One may be without beguile, and others can come without restraint.
4. Love changes everything . . . in the nicest way.
5. Color is embraced.
6. Vintage is revered.
7. All music flows without hatred or disrespect.
8. Rules exist to nourish life, not stifle it.
9. Words are said with truth and assertion, but in kindness and appreciation.
10. Men may be men, and women may be women. Anything in between . . . may find its path here.
11. Art is encouraged.
12. Messes are a part of life--to be enjoyed for as long as they last.
13. And when it is time for the messes to go, they go in peace, with gratitude they were here.
14. Television is optional, but not necessary. And channels are not a worthy source of contention.
15. Movies and their stars are loved.
16. Walls are for art. Van Gogh oils and baby girl finger paints alike.
17. Kitchens are for stories to be shared, warmth to be born, and delicious meals to be made.
18. There is always more space at the dining room table.
19. Health is no option.
20. Bodies are used in strength and power, loving all God gave us.
21. Stories are written and read, for learning and for joy.
22. The thirst for knowledge is unquenchable.
23. All things can and should be touched.
24. The joy of scent is never underrated.
25. No one is limited. Whatever evokes goodness to be shared will be cultivated here.
I wish beauty came in a bigger box.
There are people that want it all to be simple, clean, honest.

That's nice and all . . . but I think I know better.

The idiosyncracies which exist within each individual person gives me millions upon millions of reasons to believe that simple, clean, and honest doesn't exist in this life. And the next exists as a perfectly unsure surity.

This isn't to say that the lack of simplicity, cleanliness, and honesty equates ugliness. In fact, it is within all that is idiosyncratic where beauty lies.

I've known a share of stupid choices, unwise paths, nonsensical sense. And it is here wherein I have learned to love, to share, to appreciate. Appreciation is underrated and bastardized in its meaning. In its perfection--here, we may find purity.

Simple. Clean. Honest. Give me a break. Live first. And you will see--there is more than these.
If only you wanted to be the one to fight.
The one who helped me down the slippery hill,
Or walked beside as I sit quiet and still.

If only you were the one to say my name.
Whispering sweetness I never thought I'd hear,
Or always drawing closer, ever soft and near.

If only I had chosen another path.
Wanted a little harder and pushed a little more.
Maybe I would know what all the pretense was for.

If only they told all that should have been said.
I would know to switch direction, find anew.
I wouldn't circle back, looking for a intangible clue.

"If only" is a waste of time.
This I know and yet . . .
I'd waste a thousand "If only's" to have just one
"Cannot forget."
Does admitting you're lonely make the loneliness more or less pathetic?

I just went to her concert. It was exactly what I needed.

I was Lisabetta in Rappaccini's Daughter recently. We're now taking it to the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh. We're pretty much a really big deal.

2010 cont.

I also stage managed Short Attention Span Theatre this year. That was . . . exciting. I'm going to have nine million technical credentials by the end of this year. And that part is good. I do feel like I need a break from school, from life even. . . I'd like to do that thing:

"I cashed in all my savings and bought an El Dorado.

Drove to Tennessee.

I took a trip while I was gone.

I drove across the country and I stopped at lots of diners,

And I stared at a million stars.

And thought I could touch the sky."

Then, I worked for the UVU Noorda Summer Camp. I'm obsessed with those girls that were in the show I stage managed: the Secret Life of Girls. Baylee Dodge (Abby), Kenzie Dodge (Kayla), Emily Sheehn (Sutton), Rebecca Acosta (Rebecca), Rebekah Blackburn (Anne Marie), Kaitlyn Lamb (Stephanie), and Sarah Mortimer (Chandler). Julie Suazo was also in it as Sutton's Mom, Jessica Gunson was in it as the Coach, and Alex's mom Rosanna Ungerman was in it as Abby's Mom.

Our production team included: me (SM), Alex Ungerman (Director), Julie Mortimer Suazo (Assistant Director), Jacob Porter (ASM), and Jessica Gunson (ASM).

All ready, the bulk of 2010 has come and gone. I've been through and accomplished a lot this year, although, like always, some of the things I really need to focus on have been left at the wayside. It's been a great time of transition for me. As in . . . nothing matches. That may not make much sense, but it's a good description of where my head has been at.

I should mention someone who has proven to be very important in my life the past weeks. It seems that it was a fortuitous thing for her to be in my life, at this time. I needed her a lot. And it was a happy accident that she would be here for the summer anyway. Her name is Shelly Bulkley Chamberlain. And she's probably one of the best friends I'll have in my life. The older I get the more I realize what an example and mentor she has been to me. Above is a picture of she and her husband, Brian. Isn't it amazing how the people that come through and end up being the most important aren't the ones you expected to fill that?

I was in Urinetown. I loved it. I played Ol' Ma Josephine Strong. That's her in that pic. I may have all ready mentioned that in a previous blog, but oh well.

I was the ASM for A Doll House. Sarah Mann was the SM. Penny Pendleton played Nora, Jason Sullivan was Helmer, Jason Evans was Dr. whats-his-name, Cameron Garcia was Krogstad, James Arrington directed, Elfie Panholzer was the sweet little nanny character, Melissa Ledbetter was the old maid best friend--I forget that character's name. It was a really enlightening and enriching experience. I learned a lot.

So I'm really NOT afraid to tell ye . . . I be obsessed with St. Patrick's Day. It's the only day it's cool to be white--as long as you're Irish. :) Oh so very good to be a Sullivan.

I get that this was so 2009 . . . but I missed the boat on Celebrity Look Alike Week and I was curious. Um, apparently I look like Melissa McCarthy or Sookie on Gilmore Girls. I'm totally okay with that.

I've always been a pretty committed and loyal customer to the Explorer. In one foul sweep they just lost me. The culprit? The new version does not allow copy and paste. I REFUSE to type out lyrics, poems, and quotes I want to put on my blog. I'm upset. I feel like I just broke up with a friend. Terrible. Damn new version. Don't be so tricky with other features and anti copy & paste--it just ruins what we always had. Which I thought was something special.
Shadow walks faster than you
You don't really know what to do
Do you think that you're not alone?
You really think that you are immune to
Its gonna get that the best of you
Its gonna lift you up and let you down
It will defeat you then teach you to get back up
After it takes away all that
You learn to love

Your reflection is a blur
Out of focus
But in confusion
The frames are suddenly burnt
And in the end of a roll of illusion
A ghost waiting its turn
Now I can see right through
It's a warning that nobody heard

It will teach you to love what you're afraid of
After it takes away all that
You learn to love
But you don't
Have to hold your head
Higher than your heart

Your echo comes back out of tune
Now you can quite get used to it
Reverb is just a room
The problem is that there's no truth to it
It's fading way too soon
The shadow is on the move
And maybe you should be moving too
Before it takes away all that you learned to love
It will defeat you and then teach you to get back up
Cause you don't
Have to hold your head
Higher than your heart

You better hope you're not alone
You better hope you're not alone
You better hope you're not alone
-Jack Johnson, Hope

Finally, I can talk about something interesting again. . .

Talking about my life, like LIFE, ex: what happened to me in 2009 (which I just tackled in the past like five posts) is not fun for me. It's actually just pretty damn tedious. Thank goodness I can just talk about stuff I like and post vapid stories and stuff. Way better than like REAL things. So . . . today? Pudding. Fuh RILL. No joke. I love it. I do. And I see no need to apologize for that. It's prety damn good stuff. Particularly chocolate, with wonderful whipped cream on top, or possibly in the form of one of those adorable little dirt cups with the gummy worms. You know the kind I mean. Fin.

I finally looked back on 2009 with a smile . . .

All the cast getting ready before the show. Yeah. We're pretty damn cool.

Julie Olson and I. I'm obsessed with this girl. She's crazy and funny and fun and a lot like me only more great.

Me dancing with Chris Clark's super cute daughter Phoebe. And don't worry that really IS my costume. 1980's reporter--fan freaking tabulous.

I'll be honest, it was a rough year. I mean there were a lot of good things too, but . . . um . . . wow. I kicked it off with CHESS the musical at Utah Valley University directed by Dave Tinney. Leads included Kari Rymer as main girl that has pretty ballads, Darick Pead as cocky American chess player we all hate, Collin Thomas as sweet yet quiet and pretty awesome Russian chess player, Jake Suazo as Russian hitman we love, Kyle Hess as confusing American agent type role that no one really cares about, Jyllian Petrie as sad and sweet Russian girl (wife to the Russian chess player that essentially betrays her, but we still kind of really love him even though we feel bad for him) Highlights of the whole experience: Singing "Nobody's on Nobody's Side" in an awesome power vignette as an entire cast thing, becoming friends with Rebecca-crap-last-name? (the black one who's sweet and quiet), becoming friends with Julie Olson (for real besties), being closer to Rebecca Cain (I don't care what anyone says; she's a sweetheart), getting to know Dan Garner (who is such a cool human!) and being stage managed by Cyndy Stephenson. I also got to know Kayleigh Robinson lots better and I do love her. Also, Jeremy Minagro was definitely a mega-crush for me. Oh yeah, Lisa Russo was also a little mini-lead but who even cares. It was funny because Nicholas Grossaint and I weren't friends in that show and totally talk about it all the time. It was funny. Meg Rush was in it too and we all know how much I love her; it was a rocky time for us, but we got over it.

2009 cont.

Ellen Young and I--my roomie from 07-08 year at this super cute Fakesgiving party I basically organized in Fall 2008. We had our issues but she is a really good human. She's a cutie. This picture just kind of represents CAL all in all to me. Fin.

Bre and I REALLY aren't awesome at taking photos with each other--really the only semi-cute photo that exists of us (with Jacob Christian Bunker who lived across the hall) and I'm wearing her shirt. She would let me borrow her clothes ALL the time which was really really sweet.

Creepy same-shirt-color-double-boob photo (which I look really gross in) but I LOVE Valerie Fuller.

When I lived with Stephanie Rogers, BreAnna Powell, and Valerie Fuller we did this cute quote on fridge thing which turned out to be really hard to clean off but was so worth it because it was cute! We were WAY cute! I got put on the fridge a lot because I'm WAY funny. :)

Margaret Huntington (lifelong bestie), me Kayla Rowley (Margaret's childhood bestie and a REALLY good human)

Keep in mind I'm trying to remember fun deets but you are TOTALLY getting the abridged version. I guess that's what I do to myself when I only really TRULY journal like once a year. Also in January Margaret's awesome best friend from California Kayla Rowley (she got married, her maiden escapes me) lived with Margaret Huntington for a bit and she's a GIANT sweetheart. But, Utah just wasn't where she needed to be so she was out pretty quick. I get it--she then got engaged. Bigger calling. During the Fall of 2008, ps I lived with an adorable girl named Stephanie Rogers who got engaged while I was living with her and married in the Spring of 2009. She's in pics too. My other roomies were BreAnna Powell and Valerie Fuller. Valerie being a sweetie and BreAnna being my favorite human EVER. Stephanie was replaced with a girl named Jessica Colyar who was okay enough but mostly just a hoochie granola girl that smelled bad. I feel a little bad though because we didn't exact welcome her with open arms. But she's doing fine. Bre is from Price and Val is from Indiana. I love them. Bre loves screamer music and Val loves Christmas and has trouble with being irresponsible. She kind of had to move back home unexpectedly because she failed like EVERY class but she really is a good girl. Bre and I had a hard time going to church, but she is a wonderful human. And also all this--I finished the Center for the Advancement of Leadership program at UVU--CAL!!! In hindsight, it really was super good. A little bitter toward the end due to silly issues, but all in all . . . very good things.

2009 part III

Erin Crabtree and me. We're REALLY cute.
Meg and my awesome day at the beach--we came from the temple so we were wearing dresses and nothing could have been more perfect.

Margaret, Alex Paulos, Meg, and me at Penny Royal

When we took that trip and stopped at Vegas--Alex somehow procured this rad, primary colors picture of us at Tiffany's. His best contribution to the trip, in my opinion. Okay, not fair! But still, I didn't know him super well! haha

We had a really fun and awesome park day in early Spring when it was still pretty cold at my idea. We played croquet and stuff. We're rad.

Erin Crabtree deserves a good little moment too. She was a stagehand girl for Chess who handed me a recording device in a quick change moment I had at the first of the show and apparently my gratitude made an impression on her. I didn't really become her friend until she and Margaret became way close, but then she and I got way close and she is fantastic. She lived with Margaret during the summer and she's way rad. Also, she and Nicholas Grossaint had a mini-fling that changed her life and that's when he and I became friends. I love him. I think she's been finding herself this past year. Also, the Penny Royal existed in 2009! It was this swanky cute little place that had mismatched chairs and paisley wall paper--my hippie friends like Meg Rush and Margaret Huntington were infatuated. It closed due to weirdness and was going to be re-opened but then couldn't be. Shame. It was a COOL spot. Our joint of the summer, really. Meg, Margaret, this guy Alex Paulos and I also went on a trip to California for Margaret's sister's wedding which was good / bad / weird / awesome all at the same time. Mostly Meg and I had one fabulous day on the beach and that much probably made it worth it. Also, I'm in love with the Huntington family--her mom and dad are INCREDIBLE people. Alex Paulos existed in my life a little. He was a behavior theory guy that turned out to be kind of crazy but basically just brought Meyers-Briggs on steroids into their life. Whatev I don't know. I also hung out with Julie and Nick a lot during the summer. We would lay out and swim. OH! AND I totally spaced Pinnacle. A lot of my summer is kind of story-less and almost a blank gap in my mind because I worked at Pinnacle a LOT. Like, I became the shift-cover girl. I made a lot of money but I spent it all on sushi and itunes--not exaggeration. There were a handful of cool people, the only ones really note-worthy being Becca Housley, Heather Housley's little sister who is way cooler than Heather and Brandon Behrmann who is hysterical and a really awesome guy.

The BETTER part of the summer was working at the Fantasticks at Sundance. (In association with UVU) Becca Cain was the stage manager, (my boss--I ASMed) Casey Price was the other ASM / sound human (This is when we really became friends and I am OBSESSED with him), Nick Grossaint was the lead (Same story of true frienship blossoming at this time with him, Dave Tinney was the director (And we KNOW how rad he is!)

I'm just going to quickly sum up a few other things since I have been SERIOUSLY dragging my feet about this post and it's March of 2010 and I'm over it--ha!

August: Brandon Rodier passed away. He commit suicide. It was a very emotional and tolling experience for everyone. I worry about Linda still. It was in his funeral the gap that I realized is missing. Pretty damn big one. I was a lot more emotional than I knew I would be.

So . . . September: Charlotte's Web. Directed by Chris Clark, puppetry by Nat Reed, stage management by Kyle Hess, leading Jacob Porter (Wilbur), Jana Grass (Charlotte), Alex Barlow (My opposite--Gander), Margaret Huntington (Lamb), Jacob Squire (Sheep), Jake Van Wagoner (Templeton), Julie and Jake Suazo (Zuckermans), Ames Bell (Lurvy), Kelsey Kendall (Fern), Nick Grossaint (Avery), Daniel Anderson and Heather Murdock (Fern's parents--what's their name again?), Britney Wing Jessamyn Svenson and Julie Olsen (Chorus Girls), Javier Ybarra Bekah Wilbur and Sarah Mann (Puppeteers). Collin Thomas and some other cool guys were our band--blue grass style. I think that's everyone . . . hmm. . . Jaron Hermansen did lights. I was the Goose and let's face it, I was pretty damn good.

October . . . Auditions for Much Ado About Nothing directed by John Graham and auditions for Urinetown directed by Dave Tinney. Made Urinetown--what the what?! Yeah YEAH! Ma Josephine Strong, aka Bobby's mom and overall badass. Starred Chase Ramsey (Bobby), Kelly Coombs (Hope), Ames Bell (Officer Lockstock), Ashley Grant (Ms. Pennywise), Kelsey Kendall (Little Sally), Emily Bell (Becky Two Shoes), Jacob Squire (Hot Blades Harry), Philip Varney (Barrel), Julie Olsen (Soupy Sue), Nick Grossaint (Tiny Tom), Jason Jensen (Old Man Strong), Margaret Huntington (Ms. Millenium), Jordan Kramer (Did he have a name? But he did play simply my favorite human!), Chase Brown (Mr. Cladwell), Collin Thomas (McQueen), Jacob Porter (Fipp), Mike Shephard (Cool Guy), Jamie Gordon (Cool girl), Aubrey Warner (Cool girl)--we had a pretty big cast. I mean for a musical not really only twenty, but each character was so unique and awesome it felt like a million people on that stage. I love that. I LOVE it. It was way cool and fun. Sure hope I didn't forget anyone. Kyle Hess--stage manager, Jaron Hermansen--bad ASS lighting design (best I've seen ever at UVU), Jared Lewis--set design, Dove Grimm--costume design and she actually did pretty great. Uh . . . oh yeah. Ashley got way sick the last three nights, Emily Bell stepped into her place, Aubrey Warner stepped into Emily's place and I still did ridiculous and silly old age makeup.

Um . . . tech day of Urinetown Jake Porter professed love for me via letter. We lightly dated for three weeks, for real dated for three weeks. I broke his heart, now it's been two, and I think he's about to break mine. I may have made a mistake. Maybe not. I have no way of knowing--all I feel is that the whole scenario scared me shitless. What to do now. What to do.

Pics for the post above: just easier

U-town pics. Just easier a little is all. :) I get it. Maybe two of them are sideways. Well, maybe I'm not in the mood to figure out how to fix it. So maybe you just deal. BAM! ha

It gives me thrills to wind you up.

I just had an epiphany . . . doing this, I am happier. I can all ready feel it. That is DEFINITELY not something to scough at.

Sometimes, everybody just wants a hug from a lovebug.
a pretty a day by E. E. Cummings
a pretty a day
(and every fades)
is here and away

(but born are maids
to flower an hour
in all,all)
o yes to flower
until so blithea
doer a wooersome
limber and lithesome
very fine mower
a tall;tall

some jerry so very
(and nellie and fan)
some handsomest harry
(and sally and nan
they tremble and cower
so pale:pale)

for betty was born
to never say nay
but lucy could learn
and lily could pray
and fewer were shyer
than doll. doll